Her name was Lily
by jammyjen
Summary: Samantha decides to tell Martin more about her past and what she meant when she said she had been pregnant once.MS. COMPLETED.
1. Chapter 1

Her name was Lily

Disclaimer: None of the WaT characters belong to me.

Sorry for any inaccuracies butI've only seen upto half way through series 2.I'mBritish and have never been to the US althoughI do watch too muchAmerican TV so soz for any mistakes about American things.

Chapter 1

Weak winter sun streamed through the gap in the bedroom curtains casting a block of light onto the bed in an otherwise dim room. It was Sunday morning, lawnmowers buzzed in the street outside, and the thick Sunday paper dropped through the letterbox onto the mat. Love songs played on the radio sat on the table next to the bed where Martin Fitzgerald lay, his arms wrapped around the body of the woman who rested her head on his chest, Samantha Spade. Both were gasping for breath, beads of sweat ran off of Martin's forehead onto the pillow, they lay quietly in the aftermath of a passionate session of lovemaking. Gradually, they got back their breath; Sam was the first to speak.

"Her name was Lily."

"Who? Whose name?"

"My daughter."

"Your daughter?"

"I was 18, in senior year…"

* * *

"Samantha. What are you doing in there? Hurry up we're going to be late." Shouted Cathy Spade through the bathroom door.

"I can't be pregnant," Sam thought to herself while she stared down at the positive pregnancy test. "Pete and I have only done it twice, he's my first proper boyfriend and we wanted to wait until the time was right and we used protection."

"Come on Sam!" her mother yelled.

"I'm coming" she replied.

"This can't be happening, this just can't be," Sam stood up, wiped the tears from her cheeks, stuffed the test into the bottom of the dustbin and left the room.

The heaters noisily blew warm air into the car, in contrast to the freezing February wind that was blowing outside and condensation began to form on the windows. Sam kept opening her mouth but the words were refusing to come out.

"So what do you want to do, we can go to the movies or something?" Pete asked, while fiddling with the radio.

Sam looked out into the deserted school car lot, it was now or never.

"I'm pregnant," she blurted out.

"What! But you can't be, we used protection."

"Well, I am, I've done three tests they're all positive."

"Have you told anyone yet, your mom?"

"Do you think I would be sat here if I had, she's going to kill me."

"What are you going to do, are you keeping it?"

"Don't you mean "us" it's your baby too."

"Yeah I know, it's your decision really, it's your body."

"So you want nothing to do with it?"

"I never said that, we just need to talk about this."

"So let's talk."

Silence filled the space between them and finally Pete broke it.

"Do you want to keep it?"

"I don't think I could go through with an abortion, but keeping it will change everything I won't be able to go to college. I'll have to stay in this crappy little town for the rest of my life, just like my mom, she's going to be so angry, she has so many plans for me."

"You don't have to stay here."

"So how exactly will I survive being a single mom in a new town with no money, no job and no family."

"You could come with me, when I join the Navy, you can come with me, the Navy provides housing for wives and children."

"Wife?"  
"We could get married, Sam, I love you and this could be a whole new start for us, we may be young but we are old enough to do this."

Sam sat in stunned silence, she didn't know how Pete was going to react but she had never expected this. Marriage, it was so serious, so grown up but it would solve so many problems. She wouldn't have to have an abortion, something she knew she would regret for the rest of her life, and she would have a secure future for her and her baby. Pete wasn't the man of the dreams but he was a nice guy, sweet and caring and being married to him wouldn't be the worse prospect she could imagine and having an option to present to her parents when she told them might prevent them from getting too angry.

"Okay," she said

"So that's a yes."

"Yes."

"That's great." Pete leaned over and pulled her into a tight bear hug.

"It's going to be okay, Sam I promise," he whispered in her ear.

Sam didn't quite believe him.

Hope u enjoyed it. Any comments, good or bad are welcome.


	2. Chapter 2

"Come on Samantha, you can do it just one last push and you'll have your baby!" the doctor yelled.

Sam screamed through clenched teeth, using all her energy to force out one more push and collapsed back onto the pillow, exhausted.

"That was great Sam, we just need one more."

"You said that was the last one."

"I know I did sweetie but we need another I can see the head, we're nearly there." The doctor looked up with a sympathetic look. "The poor kid," she thought, " only 18 and giving birth on her own. The father was away training and had left his wife alone to give birth in Navy base hospital surrounded by strangers.

The next contraction engulfed Sam's body and she pushed with all her might. "I'm dying," she thought, "this pain is too much, I can't take it, it's like my body's going to be torn in two." Then, suddenly there was relief as the pain left and Sam felt her baby slithered out of her body.

"You have a daughter," announced the doctor. She held up the tiny, baby covered in blood and fluid, face startled like she wasn't quite sure if she should be here. The doctor placed the baby on Sam's chest. Sam stared down at her; she didn't know what to say or do, so she just wrapped her arms around her daughter, closed her eyes and let all the pain of the last 17 hours just melt away.

She looked down at her little girl, she still couldn't believe she was hers. Lily, that was her name, they had agreed on that name before Pete had gone away for offshore training. Sam had been furious when he had told her he might be away when the baby was born. He was due back in a week and Sam couldn't wait, if she was perfectly honest it wasn't Pete she was missing it was simply having someone around.

Her parents had been furious when she had informed them of her and Pete's plans, she hadn't spoken to them since. Pete's parents still spoke with him, but they disapproved of Sam and she felt uncomfortable around them. All her high school friends had gone to college or gotten jobs, Sam had hardly spoken to them, they lead different now. So Sam only had Pete now, and Lily of course she would always have Lily.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I own nothing (seriously, I really do own nothing, well except my rabbit and even he will argue he is his own person).

Thanks for the reviews

This is just a little idea I had and soz if I goes off on a tangent and away from what is actually implied in the series.

"Sam, I'm home." Pete yelled through the hallway.

"Shhh," Sam replied coming out of a bedroom, closing the door behind her. "I've just got her off to sleep."

"Sorry, Sam you look great." Pete said, embracing his wife.

"No I don't but thanks for saying it."

"So can I see her?"

"Of course, but please be quiet she was up all night."

Sam led Pete into the tiny bedroom, the blinds pulled shut casting the room into dim twilight. A white Moses basket was in the corner and inside lay Lily, eyes pinched shut, little lips moving as if mouthing words to a silent song.

"Wow, she's so small," Pete whispered.

"Not as small as she was a week ago, she has got so big so quickly."

"I'm sorry I wasn't here."

"It's okay, you're here now."

"Yes and I can change as many dirty diapers as you want me to."

"I wouldn't say that if I were you I might just take you up on it."

The next few weeks passed and a routine began. Pete went out everyday to train or study for his naval exams and Sam devoted her time to her daughter. She feed her, changed her, dressed her, took her for walks and much to Sam's surprise she actually enjoyed it. Throughout her adolescence she hadn't thought much of the idea of being a stay-at-home mom, she couldn't stand the idea of just being a slave for her husband and children and not using her brain. Now she could see that it was a myth, the more time she spent with her daughter the more she realised how much she loved her, how much she loved just being with her watching her grow.

"I'm going to bed, I'm exhausted," Sam said as she leant over and kissed Pete on the cheek.

"But it's only 9 o'clock."

"I know but I've been up since 5 and will no doubt will be up in a few hours again."

"Sorry I forgot, you do know I'll do some of the night feeds if you want."

"That could be a bit difficult seeing as you can't breastfeed, anyway you have to be at work all day you need your sleep."

"Okay, I'll be coming up later, sleep well."

Sam left the living room and went to bed but not before checking that her daughter was sleeping sounding in Moses basket.

Sam awoke suddenly, the room was in total darkness, the alarm clock showed the time to be 5;17am. "Something isn't right", Sam thought, Lily should have awoke before now demanding a feed, but the apartment was silent."

Sam leapt out of bed and rushed to the room next door and flicked on the light. There lying in her crib lay Lily, her little body stiff and blue.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: none is mine.

Thanks for all the great reviews. I'm sorry for making it sad but there can't be a happy ending, it just wouldn't fit into the mad world that is my imagination. But hang on there will be some nice MS fluff at the end.

The song in this chapter is Angels by Robbie Williams but I'm not quite sure if it fits in with the story but it's such a lovely song and everyone needs a bit of Robbie every now and then.

Apologies if the Bible quote isn't accurate but I haven't been to church in ages but don't get me started on that because once the catholic guilt (and my mum's disapproving looks) takes hold it never lets go.

"Sudden Infant Death Syndrome," the phrase reverberated through Sam's mind, "that is what they called the monster that took my baby."

The police, the paramedics, the coroner had all come, asking questions and Sam tried her best to answer but she couldn't concentrate. All she could think about was her little girl, alone in the morgue being poked and prodded by clinical, rubber gloved hands.

I sit and wait  
Does an angel contemplate my fate  
And do they know  
The places where we go  
When we're grey and old  
'cos I have been told  
That salvation lets their wings unfold

At night she would lie awake, and Pete lay awake beside her, but neither spoke. They kept their grief separate, they didn't speak of how much they missed their daughter and they barely spoke at all for now they had nothing in common except a empty crib and empty hearts.

So when I'm lying in my bed

Thoughts running through my head

And I feel that love is dead

I'm loving angels instead

The funeral was the worse. The sight of Pete carrying his daughter's tiny white was too much for Sam to bear and her knees buckled beneath her. She had be held upright by the only other mourner to attend, a friendly neighbour, a mother herself, she couldn't imagine the pain the young woman was going through.

The minister spoke nicely of a child he never met, but it was a short service, after all what could you say about a baby who lived for only 7 weeks and 4 days?

At the end, the cold, wet earth had been piled on her baby's body and they left her to her dark, lonely, eternal sleep. The elderly minister offered Sam his hand and she took it, he looked into her eyes and saw the pain that filled them and said, "suffer the little children to come onto me for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Sam smiled and thanked him; his words would live with her for the rest of her life.

And through it all

She offers me protection

A lot of love and affection

Whether I'm right or wrong

And down the waterfall

Wherever it may take me

I know that life won't break me

When I come to call

She won't forsake me

I'm loving angels instead

She sat on the edge of her bed, her daughter was dead and buried and it was time to sort out her life. She pulled out empty suitcases and began to fill them with her belongings. There was a knock on the door.

"Sam, can I come in?"

"Sure."

Pete entered and took in the site before him.

"You're leaving."

"Yes."

"Oh."

"You don't sound surprised." Sam asked.

" I didn't think you would stay around, where are you going?"

"Back home. And if Mom and Dad don't let me come home, I'm find somewhere."

"Do you want a lift to the station or something?"

"The bus station, if you don't mind."

Several hours later.

Sam and Pete sat silently side by side in Pete's car, not unlike some 9 months before when the whole sorry mess had begun.

"Mrs Davis is coming around sometime to sort out Lily's things, I would have done it but I can't stand to be in her room." Sam said

"Okay."

"I better go."

"Okay."

"I'll be in touch sometime about the divorce."

"Okay."

Sam moved to open the door but turned back around and leant over and kissed Pete lightly on the cheek.

"It was good while it lasted, and if I had a choice I would have gone back and done it again." Sam whispered in his ear.

"Me too," he whispered back.

"Goodbye Peter."

"Goodbye Samantha."

She got out of the car and didn't look back.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: none is mine.

Silence descended once more in the room. During the process of telling her story Sam had moved out of Martin's warm clasp and now she was sat at the bottom of the bed, arms wrapped tightly around her knees.

"I don't quite know what to say, I never would have guessed. I can't believe you haven't mention any of this before." Martin said, finally.

"I haven't told anyone before, at least no-one in New York or in the FBI."

"Not even Jack?"

"Not even Jack," she replied.

"Why me? Why are you telling me your secret," he asked.

"Because if I can't tell the man I love who can I tell?" She turned to look at him and he stared deep into her solemn brown eyes.

"Love", he thought, "she loved him, this was the moment he had been waiting for ever since they had first started dating, and here he was glued to the spot with nearly two metres of empty bed between them." He shuffled down the bed and placed his arms around her shoulders. She leaned back and buried her head in his neck and he could feel her silent tears on his skin.

"Is this reason you're so against having kids, you're scared it'll happened again?" He asked.

"I just can't love a child that much only to have it snatched away from me again."

"But the chances of it happening again are so small, they must be almost insignificant."

"I suppose so, I never thought it through properly." She gazed off into the middle distance and the two sat in contemplative silence.

"So maybe, possibly, it may be feasible that in the far distant future you might consider having another child?"

"Maybe." She looked up into his eyes and smiled.

The End.

Author's note: So there it is, finally finished. I promised some fluff and I always keep my promises. I even might write a lovely christmasy fluffy thing but it's gonna have to wait until at least the end of the week coz I've got college and pretend revision to do.

Thanks for the great reviews please write some more coz they're really encouraging.


End file.
